Every step you take to become a better caregiver on the
outside opens the door to a spiritual healing on the inside. Organizing and
managing their personal health information, creating a circle of care team for
them, working with the medical staff within your home, creating a medication or
feeding schedule; all of these steps are great action items to take that will
help you feel more confident in caring for them.
What about the healing on the inside? What about the
emotional healing between you and our Heavenly Father? Being a caregiver
involves so many emotions at one time. You are happy that they survived the
surgery but you are scared to death to bring them home and now have to learn
how to use a catheter on them. You are thankful to God that He gave you a
beautiful baby girl but are now angry with Him because He has not miraculously
healed her like you have prayed.
Before, you trusted Him with your life; you were willing
to follow Him anywhere. Now, you do not know where you are going. You feel
nothing but fear, anxiety, and sadness. You pray, practically pleading with Him
to cure your precious angel and yet you hear nothing. You feel nothing.
Before, you could talk to anyone about God. You had no
problem sharing about His amazing love and how wonderful He is. Now, you are
not even sure if He is real or not. You do not even know if He is even
listening to your heart wrenching prayers.
There is a lot of emotional baggage that comes with being
a caregiver. I have dealt with feelings of unworthiness, shame, anger,
embarrassment, resentment. I would feel unlovable and undeserving of a “good”
life almost as if I was being punished. My head knew these thoughts were not
real but my heart, the heart of a mama who so deeply loves her child, was so wounded.
Where was God? How could I find him? How could I feel His
loving presence once again?
Well, honestly, it took time. It took time for me to talk
with him, pray with him, forgive him, and finally thank him.
Talking with Him meant that I had to stop being angry
enough to at least have a conversation with him. Sometimes, I would be so angry
that I could not even look to him, let alone pray to him. My heart would be
silent. My anger would just swirl around the “good Christian girl” that I was.
I was raised in a loving Christian home. I went to church. I prayed and
attended Bible studies, even led some. How could He allow this? How dare He?
Praying with Him became the next step. As soon as I let
go of the anger I sought His face. In order for me to seek His face I needed to
pray. Prayer opened the line of communication between me and my Heavenly
Father. Prayer brought me to my knees.
Forgiveness was the next step. I don’t say this
flippantly, I say this in the most reverent way possible. A relationship with
Christ is a two way street. I had to ask for forgiveness for myself but I also
had to forgive God for taking me down this path; a path that was not of my own
choosing. It became a path that I would lovingly, willingly, and thankfully
choose again. When I humbly forgave God I opened the door to my heart once
again. I opened the door to Christ, His love, His healing, and His amazing
grace!
Thankfulness brought me into God’s presence. Thankfulness
brought a healing to my wounded heart, and a binding of my tattered soul.
Thankfulness brought me to a place where I began to look for God in the
darkness of illness and disability. I came to the place where I stopped asking
why and starting trusting in his way. I started trusting in Him again. That
simple step transformed me from a worried and anxious caregiver to a hopeful
and faithful friend walking hand in hand with my Savior.
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