Over the years caring for our special needs daughter has become quite challenging. Her needs, medical and otherwise, seem to be always in a constant state of flux. We are always adding or changing her medications, seeing new specialists, trying new ideas to get her medical issues under control, adding new pieces of equipment. Then you add ordering more medical supplies, changes to her wheelchair, new AFO's, changes to her school schedule, bus schedule, orienting new nurses...I get overwhelmed just thinking about it.
But, in spite of all her challenges I have learned so much in my walk with the Lord. He has opened up views of his all encompassing presence, and gentle spirit. I have learned how to be still and in that stillness I can hear God say...
My precious child,
You are my strong and faithful one. You are my chosen love to enter and walk this journey with me. There is much to see on this level of grace. There is much to learn, so much that I want to teach you. There is much of me that you can experience, feel, and know my deep sense of love and devotion for you.
I will hold you through this time. I will walk beside you through the days ahead. I will be your rock of strength, courage, love, and inspiration to continue to hope and believe in me.
I am yours completely - let me love you wholly.
From, your loving Father - God
Ephesians 1:3
How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. (The Message)
What do you hear from God?
Penny
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Am I Not Praying Enough?
I have often times wondered, "Am I not praying enough Lord?" "Do I not believe enough or have faith enough in you?" "Do you not love me enough to answer my pleading prayers?"
Psalm 66:19,20
but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!
My Lord, I kept asking you why you did not heal Gabrielle the night she went to the ER. Why have you not healed her now? I feel you tell me that if you had healed her I would not get to be this close to you. I would not get to experience a whole new level of intimacy with you. I would have lost the opportunity to get to know your heart and soul a little deeper. I would have lost the moment to glorify you in such an incredible way. If you had healed her that night I would miss out on the profound meaning of how each person, each soul, miraculously touches those around them.
That night in the ER, Gabrielle's body was shaking from constant seizures. She was put into a medically induced coma in the ICU for over 10 days. She ended up staying in the hospital for over a month and then sent home with very little chance of living. If you would have healed her that first night, in the ICU, I would have stayed in the moment of praising your name for the healing but would have missed out on knowing you on a new level of thanksgiving.
Through the loss of our daughter Jessica, and the illness/disability of Gabrielle you have taken my hand and guided me step by step closer to you. Closer to feeling your spirit, to experiencing your wonder and grace, and closer to hearing the beating of your heart that beats for me!
It has taken years for me to finally come to the place where I can humbly kneel before you, thank you for this pain and suffering, and give glory, honor, and praise to your name.
What is your prayer today?
Penny
Psalm 66:19,20
but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!
My Lord, I kept asking you why you did not heal Gabrielle the night she went to the ER. Why have you not healed her now? I feel you tell me that if you had healed her I would not get to be this close to you. I would not get to experience a whole new level of intimacy with you. I would have lost the opportunity to get to know your heart and soul a little deeper. I would have lost the moment to glorify you in such an incredible way. If you had healed her that night I would miss out on the profound meaning of how each person, each soul, miraculously touches those around them.
That night in the ER, Gabrielle's body was shaking from constant seizures. She was put into a medically induced coma in the ICU for over 10 days. She ended up staying in the hospital for over a month and then sent home with very little chance of living. If you would have healed her that first night, in the ICU, I would have stayed in the moment of praising your name for the healing but would have missed out on knowing you on a new level of thanksgiving.
Through the loss of our daughter Jessica, and the illness/disability of Gabrielle you have taken my hand and guided me step by step closer to you. Closer to feeling your spirit, to experiencing your wonder and grace, and closer to hearing the beating of your heart that beats for me!
It has taken years for me to finally come to the place where I can humbly kneel before you, thank you for this pain and suffering, and give glory, honor, and praise to your name.
What is your prayer today?
Penny
Monday, February 8, 2010
Just Breathe
Ya know, I have been holding my breath for a long time. Longer than 30 seconds, 1 day and even 1 year. It has been over 13 years since I stopped breathing for a moment in time. That moment was when I found my 10 month old daughter, Jessica, dead in her crib. My heart stopped beating. My world went dark. My life stood still.
Now, I am not talking about breathing to keep you alive. I am talking about the breathing of your soul. The breathing of your soul as it participates in life. Working, playing, laughing, listening, crying...each activity brings the breathing of your soul to life.
The Holy Spirit also brings the breathing of your soul to life. The Holy Spirit can breath into you the sweet smelling fragrance of our Lord Jesus Christ.
I believe that there are times when your soul stops breathing.There are trials and valleys that come your way and stop you dead in your tracks. The whirlwind whips around you and knocks you off of your feet. There you lay, motionless, unable to move, unable to breathe. What knocked you off of your feet? Was it the death of a loved one? Does someone you know have a terminal illness? Is your marriage in trouble? Have you lost your job? There are just some valleys that are so deep you wonder if you will ever get out.
I believe this is where God steps in. This is where he picks you up and puts you on solid ground. This is where he breathes into you his sweet sweet spirit, where he breathes new life into you, and where he reminds you to just breathe and he will carry you.
Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
What has God breathed into you?
Penny
Now, I am not talking about breathing to keep you alive. I am talking about the breathing of your soul. The breathing of your soul as it participates in life. Working, playing, laughing, listening, crying...each activity brings the breathing of your soul to life.
The Holy Spirit also brings the breathing of your soul to life. The Holy Spirit can breath into you the sweet smelling fragrance of our Lord Jesus Christ.
I believe that there are times when your soul stops breathing.There are trials and valleys that come your way and stop you dead in your tracks. The whirlwind whips around you and knocks you off of your feet. There you lay, motionless, unable to move, unable to breathe. What knocked you off of your feet? Was it the death of a loved one? Does someone you know have a terminal illness? Is your marriage in trouble? Have you lost your job? There are just some valleys that are so deep you wonder if you will ever get out.
I believe this is where God steps in. This is where he picks you up and puts you on solid ground. This is where he breathes into you his sweet sweet spirit, where he breathes new life into you, and where he reminds you to just breathe and he will carry you.
Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
What has God breathed into you?
Penny
Friday, February 5, 2010
Whenever
I Said Never - God Said Whenever
God whispered to me one day, "Whenever you are ready my child, I am here for you. Whenever you are ready to learn what wonders and blessings I have for you I am ready."
I said, "Never". I will never be able to take the pain that I will need to go through. I will never be able to live through this loss.
God whispered again, "Whenever you are ready I am here for you. Whenever you are ready I have so much to teach you, to show you, to tell you how deep my love goes for you."
I said, "Never". I will never be able to take care of my special needs child. I will never be able to give her the medical care and attention that she needs. I will never be able to handle her illness and disability.
God pulled me closer, held me tighter, and whispered,"Whenever you are ready I will show you how strong you are, how courageous you are. I will show you how confident you are, how capable you are of loving and caring for my child."
"Whenever you are ready I will show you ME."
May God whisper hope to you today,
Penny
God whispered to me one day, "Whenever you are ready my child, I am here for you. Whenever you are ready to learn what wonders and blessings I have for you I am ready."
I said, "Never". I will never be able to take the pain that I will need to go through. I will never be able to live through this loss.
God whispered again, "Whenever you are ready I am here for you. Whenever you are ready I have so much to teach you, to show you, to tell you how deep my love goes for you."
I said, "Never". I will never be able to take care of my special needs child. I will never be able to give her the medical care and attention that she needs. I will never be able to handle her illness and disability.
God pulled me closer, held me tighter, and whispered,"Whenever you are ready I will show you how strong you are, how courageous you are. I will show you how confident you are, how capable you are of loving and caring for my child."
"Whenever you are ready I will show you ME."
May God whisper hope to you today,
Penny
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The Gift
The Bible says that children are a gift from God. A beautiful gift wrapped up in love, smiles, tickles, and mischief.
Now, you might say to God, what kind of gift is this child? A child who cannot walk or talk. A child who does not know me or understand me. A child who is sick with a terminal illness and will not live to see their 3rd birthday. Or a child who you formed in my womb, who began to grow and take shape and then die inside of me. How can I say that these are beautiful gifts from you?How can I hold them and love them; teach them and raise them?
Can you say that special needs children, disabled children, or terminated children, whether by choice or not, are a gift from God? I believe they are. I believe that we are all precious in his sight.
I Peter 2:4 says:
"As you come to him, the living Stone - rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him"
I believe God is saying, "My precious child, I want to share with you a glimpse of my deep devotion for you. I want you to see and feel all of the love I have for you. Giving you a child with special needs will be a beautiful blessing to you and those around you. The lives that your child will touch, the hearts that your child will envelope are moments in time that I want to lovingly share with you."
What does hope whisper to you?
Penny
Now, you might say to God, what kind of gift is this child? A child who cannot walk or talk. A child who does not know me or understand me. A child who is sick with a terminal illness and will not live to see their 3rd birthday. Or a child who you formed in my womb, who began to grow and take shape and then die inside of me. How can I say that these are beautiful gifts from you?How can I hold them and love them; teach them and raise them?
Can you say that special needs children, disabled children, or terminated children, whether by choice or not, are a gift from God? I believe they are. I believe that we are all precious in his sight.
I Peter 2:4 says:
"As you come to him, the living Stone - rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him"
I believe God is saying, "My precious child, I want to share with you a glimpse of my deep devotion for you. I want you to see and feel all of the love I have for you. Giving you a child with special needs will be a beautiful blessing to you and those around you. The lives that your child will touch, the hearts that your child will envelope are moments in time that I want to lovingly share with you."
What does hope whisper to you?
Penny
Monday, February 1, 2010
Chosen and Treasured!
Deuteronomy 7:6
"For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession."
You are his chosen people, you are his treasured possession. It goes on to say in v.8 "But it was because the Lord loved you..."
Do you feel chosen? Do you feel like a treasured possession? Do you feel loved?
God's word says that you are so why do you not believe it deep down in your heart? I keep thinking Lord if you loved me then why did you give me a broken child? My dream, my hope, my prayer was to have a normal healthy beautiful child. It breaks my heart to know that in the beginning years of taking care of our daughter Gabrielle I thought of her as broken. She was born healthy but then one night, when she was 4 months old, she ended up in the ICU in a medically induced coma. When we finally brought her home we did not realize just how dramatically our lives would change. At first, I saw her as unworthy of the precious love of Jesus Christ. I connected her illness, her disability, her imperfections to me. I was unworthy of the precious blood of Jesus Christ.
We all have imperfections. We will never be perfect in the eyes of the Lord. The topic of feeling unloved and unworthy of God's love because your child does not appear to be "perfect" or "normal" is a book in and of itself.
But, to know this kind of love, the deep abiding love of Jesus Christ is wonderful. The feeling that you get when you know in your heart that you have been chosen, holy and dearly loved. You are his treasured possession.
WOW! Now that's love!
May God, the author of hope, whisper to you.
Penny
"For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession."
You are his chosen people, you are his treasured possession. It goes on to say in v.8 "But it was because the Lord loved you..."
Do you feel chosen? Do you feel like a treasured possession? Do you feel loved?
God's word says that you are so why do you not believe it deep down in your heart? I keep thinking Lord if you loved me then why did you give me a broken child? My dream, my hope, my prayer was to have a normal healthy beautiful child. It breaks my heart to know that in the beginning years of taking care of our daughter Gabrielle I thought of her as broken. She was born healthy but then one night, when she was 4 months old, she ended up in the ICU in a medically induced coma. When we finally brought her home we did not realize just how dramatically our lives would change. At first, I saw her as unworthy of the precious love of Jesus Christ. I connected her illness, her disability, her imperfections to me. I was unworthy of the precious blood of Jesus Christ.
We all have imperfections. We will never be perfect in the eyes of the Lord. The topic of feeling unloved and unworthy of God's love because your child does not appear to be "perfect" or "normal" is a book in and of itself.
But, to know this kind of love, the deep abiding love of Jesus Christ is wonderful. The feeling that you get when you know in your heart that you have been chosen, holy and dearly loved. You are his treasured possession.
WOW! Now that's love!
May God, the author of hope, whisper to you.
Penny
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